When the second one shows up...

First of all, I want to clarify that I am sharing my personal experience. This is my adventure, my perception.

The arrival of a second baby in a family can be very intense for some while other parents will experience it quite smoothly, with patience and lots of coffee! I must admit that I am in the middle of all this. It went well, but... it was difficult.

I always wanted to share my experience, since I was very worried about the arrival of my second child. I was really afraid of my first child's reaction, knowing that we were very close. Léo is a very emotional little boy. I shared my thoughts in this article -> Fear - welcoming a new child

It took me a while to share this article. It was almost all written, in my drafts, but I was waiting for the right moment. In the last few weeks, I had a good reflection on the following question: why we will not have a third child. Now that two years have passed since the birth of my youngest, after a (brief) discussion with my partner and some reflection with myself, we made a decision.

But before we talk about this decision, let's take a little step back.

In 2022, my big boy had just celebrated his 3rd birthday. As a mommy's boy, I took care of a lot of the night waking up, falling asleep and getting up in the morning. My Leo was used to seeing me when he woke up and that was okay. We had our routine and we kept it. Leo wasn't potty trained at the time and he still had his pacifier to sleep. I had in mind to let him have it, because I knew it would be difficult for him.

In my mind, it would be difficult for him only. Period. If I had known how wrong I was.

My baby Émile has arrived. A healthy little baby, a big foodie. Léo came to see him at the hospital. He wanted to take him, we were delighted.

Back home, while Leo was at daycare. Dad went to pick him up. When he came back, a baby brother was waiting for him, in his house, in his living room, in HIS mom's arms. The crisis was most painful. And the days that followed. Leo wanted Mommy, just Mommy. And Émile wanted to sleep on Mommy, all the time on Mommy.

And then I understood. I found it terribly difficult not to be able to divide myself in two. Not to be able to comfort my oldest at night, because I was on the couch with Émile. To hear him cry at midnight, because Maman wasn't available. To see Papa's discouraged face as he did everything he could to comfort Léo. The tantrums during the night, the tears. He was now a Papa who lived with rejection, who felt useless and who lived with frustration too.

I'll spare you Leo's confrontations. He was an angel with his baby brother, but with us, it was something else. Opposition, refusal to cooperate. He was now a worried, insecure little boy who was now looking for his place in this big family.

The first weekend was, let's say... special.

The following Monday, the return to routine did him good. He could play with his friends at daycare, we found a normal "beat".

But for me, it was something else. I enjoyed the little moments glued to my newborn during the day. The long periods of rest on the couch catching up on Netflix. The quiet time with my sweet baby.

I was a mom who felt guilty about not being able to do everything, who enjoyed quiet moments and tried to bond with her second child... but who dreaded the more emotional times of her oldest.

When 4pm came around, I was anxious.

How would the evening routine go? How would dinner go? Would Leo cooperate or would it be another tantrum? Would it go well with Émile who had quickly started his evening crying spells?

Little by little, things fell into place. With a great wave of calm, gentleness, comfort, sighs and inner discussion, Leo accepted more and more that Dad take care of him at night. Everyone took their place. But it wasn't easy.

Finding your place

Everyone has their role to play. Everyone finds their place in the family team. Dad takes on more tasks, Mom stops hitting herself over the head, the oldest helps the older ones and feels useful and the youngest, well he's the youngest.

Time is what makes things happen. But I have to admit that the first month was quite an adjustment period for us. For each of us.

The damned microbes

I was obsessed with germs. Léo absolutely had to wash his hands, not touch his face, and especially not kiss him. If I had to do it again, I would have been more relaxed. Why? Because Émile was sick anyway. He had bronchiolitis one after the other from the time he was 3 months old. It was inevitable.

And I feel like this created a little distance at the beginning, but that's my opinion. I'm not a psychoeducator or a psychologist. It's just an observation.

My unsolicited advice

You do what you want with it, but I have some advice for you.

1. One day at a time . Some days it will be hard, but the next day it will be better.

2. Ask for help . It's always uncomfortable to ask (in my case), but even if it's an hour, it helps.

3. Try to have some one-on-one time with the older child. We would go out for ice cream, just him and me. It was our time to ourselves.

4. Integrate your older child. Give him small tasks to help you. We often hear this advice, but it really helps and the child feels more included in the family routine.

5. Including Dad in chores before Baby 2 arrived. This is something we should have done. I should have let go. I wanted to do everything on my own and it hit me hard.

6. Don't compare yourself to Instagram moms. Never, ever, ever. What you're seeing is a brief moment in their day. They go through crises just like you.

7. Get babysat on weekends, but not too much. Yes, we had a little break when Léo got babysat for a day on the weekend, but when he came back, the tantrums intensified. As if he was living with jealousy, in addition to being tired of being out of his routine. Since he was having a tantrum and we were tired, it created frustration. He often slept less outside, in addition to having pretty much everything he wanted at grandma and grandpa's. A big vicious circle.

8. Getting out of the house. Yes, it's tiring. But getting out of the house as a family during the day allowed us to channel our energy and provide quality time. The days at home, with Léo and Émile, were sometimes more incredible.

The beauty of it is that with the second child, you have practice.

Sleeping was easier, less worry about things that annoyed me with my first child (hello the color of poop!) and more letting go. Yes, we ate a lot of peanut butter toast. These are new challenges, new learnings.

But you know, everyone experiences it differently. You will experience it in your own way too.